I Wish My Parents Knew
HEY!! So glad you are here! As parents, we all have one thing in common, and that’s to connect with and understand our kids. But when it comes to teens, that’s not always easy. This whole parent thing didn’t come with a handbook. So we wing it. We do the best we can.
Maneuvering the land of teenage years can be tough. Ok let me rephrase that, maybe it’s more like climbing Mt. Everest, blind-folded, with no map and a couple band-aids. But as we know with any quest, it’s all about taking action, one step at a time. There are no hacks. No shortcuts.
So you clicked here to get some insight, or just ANYTHING to shed light on what teens are actually thinking. And what better source to use then teens themselves! I’ve been working with teens and their families for over 10 years, so I Snapped and texted teens I’ve worked with, and asked a dear friend to share with his class that I was writing a blog post for parents and would love their help. I asked them to think about and finish the following statement,
I WISH MY PARENTS KNEW…
Some responded right away, some said that they needed to think about it but majority said that they were really happy that I was writing this.
So before I share with you what your teens wish you knew, there’s a couple things I’m going to ask you to do. These are tools to keep in your backpack (for the climb up the mountain) Feel free to use them liberally.
DON’T JUDGE. This is easier said than done. I don’t think we judge our kids so much as we fall into the trap of assuming and comparing our own experiences to be the same as theirs when we were young. Heads up…it’s not the same. Comparing is a silent connection killer. Keep in mind that as mom and dad, our real challenge is the arduous task of not judging ourselves as parents. Remember, you are doing the best you can. Beating yourself up, being self critical or “shoulding” all over yourself helps no one.
LISTEN. Seems easy enough, right? Not so much when it comes to HEARING what are teens are saying or what they are NOT saying. There’s some unspoken parent rule that we should have all the answers. We should know what to say to fix their pain, disappointment, anxiety, etc. Guess what?! You are in great company when I tell you, you don’t have to fix it or have all the answers. Be ok with NOT KNOWING. This is heavy lifting people, but give it a shot. Listening is the cheapest, most effective concession we can make to connect with our kids. Hands down, this is your biggest power tool.
GET CURIOUS. Curiosity is a close sister to listening. When you combine the two, there becomes little or no room for
Your agenda
Having the answers
Being right
If you find that you are silently saying to yourself as you “listen”:
“I know what you mean, BUT”
“Honey, you shouldn’t worry about that”
“It will be fine”
“I get it…when I was your age…”
“Really?! When I was growing up…”
Instead, just be present. What the hell does that mean, you ask?! Well, it means just sit there with whatever is going on inside you…angst, anger, sadness, guilt, helplessness. We avoid these emotions by doing the above (having the answers, being right, pushing our agenda). So, just sit. Listen. Get curious about what your kid is really saying. Get curious around the uncomfortable emotions that might be coming up in you too.
All of us parents, regardless of how different our kids are or what our situation is, have one thing in common. A COLLECTIVE DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND AND CONNECT WITH OUR KIDS. And guess what? This may come as a shocker and your kids may not BEHAVE in a way that shows you this but, they love you and want to make you proud. Take notice of who THEY are.
DONT’ JUDGE.
LISTEN.
GET CURIOUS.
So here it is…This is what they wish you knew. These responses are from teens and young adults ages 13-22. There were many that had the same wish, so I combined them into one statement. Thank you to the rock stars that participated and openly shared their thoughts. xo
“I wish my parents knew how my passion feels”
“I wish my parents knew how hard school and homework is”
“I wish my parents knew when to leave me alone and understand that when I’m upset they can make it worse”
“I wish my parents knew that all I’ve ever wanted was to be open with them and have them trust me”
“I wish my parents knew how I really felt, but I keep quiet because I know they won’t accept or understand what I have to say”
“I wish my parents knew the signs of my anxiety and how they could have helped me when I was younger or what anxiety looked like and what next steps to take”
“I wish my parents knew how hard it is to move and all the emotions that come with moving”
“I wish my parents knew how really hard I work on my grades and if they are bad it’s not because I’m not trying. It takes me a really long time to do my homework and study for tests.”
“I wish my parents knew how scared I am to not be successful”
“I wish my parents knew how to interact with my friends without it being cringe worthy”
“I wish my parents knew not to take what I do with my future personally”
“I wish my parents knew how much I want them to take time for themselves instead of focusing so much on me”
“I wish my parents knew how to have fun for themselves"
“I wish my parents invested more energy in their marriage”
“I wish my parents knew that they are not my friend, they are my parent and I like it that way”
“I wish my parents knew how to be present with me. A lot of time my dad will come home from work and check out on TV or video games”
“I wish my parents knew that when they share my struggles with others (friends or family) it’s upsetting and a violation of my trust. It makes me have to think twice about sharing with them”