Divorcing My Roles

Stepping Out of Role Identity

Role — noun

an actors part in a play; the function or part played by a person in a particular situation

Growing up, my self worth was directly correlated to how well I met other peoples needs and expectations.

My external persona, so loved by others, was validated as the day is long. This felt good as a kid. I was always happy, upbeat, listened to people and asked questions. I got people to talk about themselves. I was doing something “right.” I had the power to make others happy, to help them feel good about themselves. So, of course I brought this belief with me into adulthood. That’s a lot of power ya know, being able to control how other people feel. And so this is how it went in a nutshell.

The roles I played… daughter, sister, wife, mom, friend, “title at work”…were defined for me as I grew up through what I saw and experienced in my family and life as a whole (school, church, movies, magazines, peers). My assumptions also molded who I was to be in relationship with others. The unspoken responsibilities for each I would dutifully play the part of. And let me tell you, I was winning Oscars baby! Listening, always saying yes, taking on more then I can handle, not asking for help, never talking about or showing my feelings, putting others first, playing the martyr…this was my jam!

In high school common questions that fertilized this role identity sounded like:

You are so tall, what sport do you play?

Are you dating anyone?

How are your grades?

What college are you going to?

What will you study in college?

Your brother and sister play ball in college, will you?

Then when in college…

What sorority are you in?

What’s your major?

What are you DOING after graduation?

Are you dating anyone?

Then after college and moving in with my boyfriend…

What are your plans for work?

When are you guys planning on getting married?

What do you do?

When I got married…

When are you going to have kids?

When I got pregnant…

Will you work or stay home?

Are you going to bottle or breast feed?

Will you put him on a sleep schedule?

Now mind you…when fielding these questions, I would also sense, that the person asking was bursting at the seams to share with me their own experience or opinion. My perspective was, even though people ask questions they're truly just rhetorical. They didn’t really want to know about ME. So I would simply deflect their question with a short answer and then ask them a question. The fact that people love to talk about themselves worked in my favor.

This just became habit. It was easier to loss myself in the routines, dynamics and “responsibilities” of who I thought I SHOULD be in all my relationships. Doing and Being for others became my self imposed jail cell.

The other piece that kept me from expressing more of my true self was FEAR. Doing it the “wrong way,” not being responsible or letting others down scared the shit out of me. So, for a long time fear fueled my choices, blocked my sense of intuition and eroded any clarity around awareness of my true self. Fear fueled my motivation to be the “BEST” mom, wife, friend and professional! But the more energy I put into it, the more exhausted, anxious and resentful I became.

We all have a high tolerance for emotional pain. Life gives us the frequent sucker punches to strengthen this tolerance. And it was during these times of discomfort and confusion that disrupted my Oscar winning auto pilot. It forced AWARENESS and made me question the narrative I played in my head, make me interrogate old beliefs and start to define my own path…my OWN right way. Little by little. Going through a hard times and coming out the other side would jostle my spirit and help me disentangle my true self from who I thought I SHOULD be. And over time with the guidance of counselors and amazing life coaches, I learned to discern my own voice and authenticity from the old beliefs that didn’t serve me anymore.

I put this continued self awareness into action daily. It’s not easy to break old habits or set boundaries. But, the ability to own my shit, and let others own theirs, have the courage to check myself and know when I’m engaging from my true self or my old wounds is a freedom with no description. It has opened up a new space and energy for me to pour into my relationships from the best of who I am.

This awareness makes me conscious of my impact on others. So now instead of asking kids or adults in casual conversation questions that only tell me about their labels or roles, I ask them questions to help me get to know the person.

How was your weekend?

What was the best part of your day today?

What was the toughest part of your day?

Do enjoy what you do for work/what you’re studying in school?

Do you like to travel?

When you have spare time, what do you like to do?

These questions open up a different conversation with the person in front of me. It helps me connect. And that’s my real jam, connecting with others.

I define myself now by my strengths, core values and what I know to be true about what makes me tick and feel alive in the moment. It’s from this awareness and truth that I am the mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter and auntie my family deserves.

Who knew that all along the jail cell I had been sitting in had the door open. I just had to make the conscious decision to get up and walk out.